I hate your face
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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