bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
