ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
