I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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