so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
