So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
