Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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