Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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