I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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