Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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