He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
