the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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