You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We need to rekindle our bromance
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
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Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
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GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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