I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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