he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
