wrigley field is MILF paradise
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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