YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
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Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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