Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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