If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
