Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
