genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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