we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
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Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
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Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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