U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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