Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
