I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I pour the whiskey from now on
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
