She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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