Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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