I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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