Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We have started to decorate penises.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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