every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
