the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
