apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
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Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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