My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
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Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
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I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I am naked and annoyed.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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