omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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