$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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