absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
