i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
