the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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