all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
