peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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