I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
