Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
