this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
