you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Randomize
