Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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