Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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