i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck