Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I party with great urgency now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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