I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
