I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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