there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
