they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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