She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
