Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
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Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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