wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
can u get pink eye on your cock?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
